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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459832">At The Beginning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheregenerated/pseuds/sheregenerated'>sheregenerated</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:42:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,873</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459832</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheregenerated/pseuds/sheregenerated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yaz walks around the TARDIS after waking up from a nightmare, contemplating her near-death experience from Spyfall. She's not the only one up thinking about endings.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thasmin - Relationship, Thirteenth Doctor &amp; Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>At The Beginning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/imimmortalagain/gifts">imimmortalagain</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Much of this fic is pretty sad as Yaz is in a darker headspace after the traumatic event that went rather undealt with at the time. I promise it ends on a happier note &lt;3 &lt;3 </p><p>TW: Depression, contemplating death</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yaz was not unfamiliar with the TARDIS, but it was labyrinthine in nature and she thought perhaps it reconfigured itself for its own amusement whenever she got up in the night to find the loo. Right now, however, Yaz was simply unable to sleep and appreciated the nature of the TARDIS as she walked through the corridors the TARDIS had dimmed, presumably to help ease her into a sleepy state. She tried to think of something else, anything else, but it was difficult as she could still feel the dream shuddering through her like an aftershock. </p><p>Yaz had tossed and turned for hours, waking from a nightmare she dreaded would return if she closed her eyes again. She was back in that place– alone, isolated, in some other dimension away from her friends– away from the Doctor. Yasmin Khan, a bright-eyed probation officer from Sheffield trying to work her way up the ladder, swept off on some magnificent journey through space and time, only to end up right back on Earth and then– then she’d been plucked from the ground like a flower before she could reach her full potential. She thought she’d died, that perhaps this was Barzakh, a realm where her soul would be kept until resurrection. Either way, she thought that was the end of her journey with the Doctor. She thought she’d never see her again. </p><p>Or worse– she <i>would</i> see her again– that in her transitional state she would oversee the aftermath of her death. She imagined the Doctor going back to her family, giving them the news. Of her family offering prayers in absentia, of Ryan and Graham mourning another loss so soon after losing Grace, of the Doctor feeling responsible and carrying that burden alone, closing off from everyone and shutting down entirely. Of her leaving Ryan and Graham on Earth in some effort to protect them from the same fate. Yaz could only hope that her soul would find the Doctor’s again, hold her, comfort her, ease the pain of her loss. </p><p>Then those glowing energies began to circle around her like vultures, threatening to take away even her haunting green realm away from her. To steal the last breath of Yasmin Khan. But when they consumed her in a surge of light, she found she was still herself, still Yaz, back home. Not her home in Sheffield, but her true home– with the Doctor. That shining beacon of hope Yaz so sorely needed– she’d saved her, somehow, like she always did. She had to– for that look of recognition in her eye, her hand pressed the glass– some glass cage she was trapped in– let Yaz know she wasn’t dead. She hadn’t been. She was just… somewhere else. </p><p>Alone, again. </p><p>It wasn’t the first time her thoughts had explored the dark recesses of her mind, but this had been <i>real</i>. She had felt it in her bones, the shift of pressure, the air seeming to vibrate, like her very composition didn’t match that of the environment she was in. Like she was back in school, in a crowd of people just like her, yet so utterly different she never quite felt comfortable. She’d tried to fit in, to make friends, but none of it ever worked out. She felt out of place, like she was trying so hard to be someone she wasn’t, to belong somewhere she never would, to please people that cared little for her. That reminded her of her differences in the most brutal way, almost cruel. Not accepting or celebrating her differences, but twisting them, corrupting them, into something detested. That the very foundation of her existence was an abomination, loathsome, until even she started to believe it true. </p><p>It drove her into a depression, she’d wanted to leave it all behind, she wanted it to end. She didn’t know how or what she might do, but she knew every moment she spent in that life, in that reality, was a moment she hated herself. Hated being herself. To be anyone else would be an escape. So that’s what she’d done. She’d escaped. Left it all behind– her classmates that tormented her, her parents who didn’t understand her, her sister who cared more deeply than she let on– ultimately, that had been what had saved her. Sonya. She hadn’t been in the right headspace to accept help, not from someone so close to her, but she’d still managed to do the right thing. Gotten help from the police– an officer named Patel had found her, talked her down, and gone back to her job as an officer. It was amazing, Yaz thought, how she could have such an impact on Yaz’s life, how she could cause such a monumental shift, do such an extraordinary thing to help someone with just a conversation. All in a day’s work. Yaz wanted to do that too, help people, do what Officer Patel did for her. </p><p>Yaz had found a way through it, gone to the other side, just as she’d done now. But when she returned to Earth, to the Doctor, been released from that glass cage, there was no comforting speech from the Doctor. No welcome back hug. She’d not even known Yaz had gone missing– that she’d possibly died– she’d been halfway across the world immersed in some battle with aliens, the thought of Yaz not even crossing her mind. If she’d never come back, never dropped in, would the Doctor have even remembered her? Would she have gone looking for her? </p><p>The absence of affection had Yaz grow cold and she shuddered, crossing her arms as she felt goosebumps tread against her skin. The corridor opened up to the console room, and Yaz wondered if all corridors eventually led to the console room, or if the TARDIS had led her there for some other reason. The Doctor wasn’t at the console where she usually was, but she wasn’t far. Yaz saw the doors to the TARDIS were open, framing a colorful canvas of swirling gases in the vacuum of space. It nearly stopped Yaz in her tracks, but it was hardly the most beautiful sight before her. </p><p>Yaz’s eyes lowered as she approached, spotting the Doctor sitting at the entrance to the TARDIS, legs dangling outside as she looked out at the cosmic gallery. The Doctor didn’t seem to notice her arrival, didn’t move to acknowledge her, so Yaz just silently joined her at the edge of the TARDIS. She knew the TARDIS must be projecting some sort of field to protect her, allow her to breathe, so she wasn’t worried about that– or at falling out into space. She’d already experienced that on their first meeting, and was in no hurry to do so again, but she felt safe in spite of her legs dangling off into space. It reminded her briefly of a book she’d read as a kid, where the sidewalk ends, and fleetingly imagined kicking off a shoe and letting it float off to join the waves of color deceivingly far away from where she sat. </p><p>Yaz knew, of course, they had to be miles away from the supernova before them, a broken ring of bright debris shrouding what must have been the point where the star had been before it exploded, but it was so large it looked as if she could hit it with a pebble if she kicked it hard enough. Yaz could practically hear the Doctor go off about the science of it all, going on about blast waves and reverse shock and stardust. She’d tell her of neutron stars and supernovas and paint the story with sweeping gestures and wide eyes that always pulled Yaz with a gravity far beyond anything she’d experienced on Earth. Yaz thought about asking her about it, letting the Doctor distract her from her nightmares with the spectacle and enthusiasm of an astronomer discovering a star for the first time, but the Doctor spoke first. </p><p>“Put these on,” the Doctor said, handing Yaz her pair of goggles. Yaz’s eyebrows pinched momentarily at the sudden direction– she didn’t think any debris or space dust was could to get in them, but she took the goggles into her hand and put them on regardless. When she looked back out into space, she saw her range of vision had expanded astronomically– there were so many more colors. The interstellar dust cloud was dusted with pinks and blues and yellows, each more brilliant than the last. </p><p>“It’s beautiful,” Yaz said, her eyes widening as she tried to take in all of the new depths of her vision. Was this how the Doctor saw the universe? </p><p>“It’s a remnant of Cassiopeia,” the Doctor said, “in Greek mythology, she was cast out into the stars as punishment. Off in the corner of the night sky, alone.” </p><p>Yaz felt a shift in her tone, and she felt as if this was something of more significance than the words alone implied. </p><p>“But surely there were other stars?” Yaz suggested, thinking how the night sky she’d always looked up at was full of stars– some of which she had visited since meeting the Doctor. </p><p>“None within reach,” the Doctor said in an almost haunted voice, “she spent centuries alone, dreaming of colliding with another, until she ran out of fuel and collapsed in on herself. But just for a short while, she’s the brightest object in the sky.” Yaz thought she must have caught herself, as she’d pulled back toward the optimistic by the end. It felt… forced. Sad. Beautiful, but sad. </p><p>“Sometimes the things we think are the end turn out to be the beginning,” Yaz said, seeing past the fields of hot gasses and stardust to the neutron star at its center. Yaz realized while they may not have spoken directly about their experiences, they shared some similarities. Yaz was comforted by this, and felt closer to the Doctor in spite of their existing proximity. She felt the Doctor’s pinky finger overlap with hers and a soft smile radiate from her eyes as Yaz turned to look at her. Yaz mirrored her with a smile of her own, a warmth washing over as she saw new depths in the green eyes staring into her own. Yaz rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder as they turned to watch the stars. </p><p>“At the beginning with you,” the Doctor said in a voice so soft Yaz would have thought she’d imagined it, if her words had not brushed against the soft hairs of her forehead. She felt goosebumps form on her arms, but they were not a sign of discomfort. The Doctor must have noticed them. “Are you cold?” </p><p>“Cuddle me,” Yaz said, though her words rose almost like a question. All the indecision of a corner-of-the-mouth kiss in a single phrase. The Doctor’s hand left hers and for a moment she thought she had read things wrong, that she was pulling away, only for the weight of the Doctor’s arm around her to quell her anxious thoughts, swatting them away like flies. Yaz shifted to sink into the Doctor’s embrace, falling asleep to the rhythm of her hearts and the promise of new beginnings.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And to think the prompt was "cuddle me" and I ended up with the least-fluffy thing I have ever written. </p><p>Also, I couldn't find my copy of the Quran to confirm some of this so if anything's off let me know and I'll go back in and fix it &lt;3 &lt;3</p><p>Oh, and I also made a fanvid "Doctor Who I Cassiopeia"<br/>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fn0ShonVbEo<br/>Such an amazing and underrated song that suits the Doctor so well!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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